The Pursuit of Motherhood by Jessica Hepburn

Author:Jessica Hepburn
Language: eng
Format: azw3
ISBN: 9781783066346
Publisher: Troubador Publishing Ltd
Published: 0101-01-01T00:00:00+00:00

The Infertility Diaries Part XIV

In my darker moments (of which these days there are many) I wonder whether my infertility is some sort of punishment for how Peter and I got together. For the pain we caused to others. Maybe I don’t deserve to be a mother. Maybe this is my retribution.

ANGER MANAGEMENT

After the miscarriage we go to see our consultant. He is as sympathetic as ever but I am getting sick of sympathy; I just want some answers.

‘I don’t understand what’s happening,’ I say. ‘I’ve now been through this process six times. I’ve had two biochemical pregnancies, one ectopic, now a miscarriage. What am I not doing right?’

‘Nothing,’ he says. ‘I know it might not seem like it, but these are all very good indications that you will get pregnant. If you were a machine, I would simply say keep going and sooner or later it will work. But I realise you’re not a machine; there’s an emotional and financial cost to all this as well.’

‘But there must be a reason I can’t seem to sustain a pregnancy,’ I say.

I steal a glance at Peter, remembering our many conversations in which I have denied the existence of stress.

‘Do you think it could be stress?’ I ask.

‘Unlikely,’ he says going into lecture mode. ‘All the studies that have been done indicate that stress is not a significant factor. If you look at conception rates of women living in poor or war-torn countries they are no lower than those for Western women. There was also a seminal study done on women who had been raped, which found that pregnancy rates amongst them were no different than for women who had conceived in a loving relationship.’

‘Well what about my immune system? I’ve recently read about these things called natural killer cells that attack the foetus. Do you think that could be it?’

‘The doctor who pioneered this theory was based in California – he’s dead now – and there are a small number of doctors in the UK who practise his methodology, but there have been absolutely no clinical trials to prove its efficacy. Whilst I wouldn’t say that these treatments would harm you, there are no grounds to suggest they would make any difference at all.’

‘With respect, there must be a reason. Maybe science doesn’t know what it is yet. Maybe they won’t find it out in my lifetime. But there will be a reason.’

‘Possibly.’

‘Well, go on, hazard a guess. What do you think is wrong with me? I won’t hold you to it, but in your professional judgement, what the hell is going on?’

He pauses. ‘Jessica, I don’t know. All I can say is that you are either very unusual, or very unlucky.’

We say goodbye and as the door closes behind us I look at Peter.

‘You were a bit hard on him,’ he says.

‘Was I?’

‘Well, you used the phrase, “With respect”. It’s always a giveaway.’

‘Well, with respect, there must be a reason.’

‘Perhaps. But it’s not his fault. He’s trying to do his best for us.

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